Its been like 55% of my summer break. March was a long month too many things- endsems, labs, assignments and yea, I got pretty busy with all that. Came back home and again got busy with some house work, and of course with relatives around, you don't usually spend much time working, so sadly, April too went by.
The last few weeks were pretty productive though. I've been pulling pretty focused all-nighters, studying through the daytime, reading carefully through a lot of academic literature, doing math, understanding GPUs and all the low-level jargon, even though I'm a bit slow at it and perhaps weak with my low-level concepts (become very good in C y'all). Ideas coming out of nowhere, a low CGPA in the middle to ruin all that fun but well, I believe it's just a skill issue.
Reading about supply chain, reading about inference, reading about physics-informed neural networks and hence doing partial differential equations to brush up, trying to become better at programming, understanding all sorts of programming or whatever, coz the most programming I'd done till now was college assignments, labs (well sort of, my grades really dipped here), and competitive programming.
Was also involved in a project with a friend (still am), so yea, there's like an insane amount of context switching I end up doing, and today felt like hitting the wall, as the title says.
Today felt beyond unproductive. Woke up late, did some time pass, then some more time pass, some math, and yea that's it, existing basically.
Made me think about this deeply in the evening: where am I even headed? No interns, no job, nothing...
I feel I have the answer now. I've been context switching a lot. Not that I lack depth, I do study things pretty deeply in a single sitting but yea, this gets over your head at one point and you hit a wall. That wall's called burnout.
It's days like these when I feel shit and resort to writing whatever comes to my head. Last time I did this, I got wayyyy too many ideas for my project. Maybe dismay is the solution to all problems, no clue when I'll be mentally at peace.
What do I even define peace as in this context? Getting work done?? Nahhh man, there's just too much of it always. Will I ever hit a point where I can sit in silence and maybe care about nothing?
Why's everything so correlated man, it's such a drag.
Nevertheless, that's enough rant for today. I'm off for dinner. Maybe after chilling out for a few hours I'll sit down and pull an all-nighter tonight.
I need to make hobbies man. Lack of friends toh I can't play football (I'm just giving excuses lol). I should read books also yrr, hekkk I should even do physics coz it was my weakest subject in +2 as well.
Or maybe that's just me being the guy who's driven by the gap between current and ideal self. But of course, taking action is the way to clarity.
And as a good friend of mine once said to me, if things are good, and you aren't bound by anything as such, use that advantage. Why stay mediocre? Work like your life depends on it.
Oh also, here's a pretty good song I came across recently via a mutual on twitter. This song resonates so well with whatever BS I've just written :)
Anyways,
Peace out......
Ashu a.k.a Skill issue :)