A Journey of Despair
It's 2:34 AM, I'm kinda dizzy at the moment, college has kicked off, today I did some crazy mistake, checking linkedin (yea lol, mistake indeed). Saw a guy graduate from Stanford with a BS in Math and Econ I guess, man's insanely smart, made it straight to Bridgewater.
And of course, I'll feel a certain way about myself looking at others coz why not, it's the very conditioning to be competitive or to feel a certain way where you ask yourself "Why not me?".
Some context about me, I prepped for JEE for 3 years, (10+2 and a drop year), and as fate had it, I flunked JEE and landed at Amrita.
Idk man, my objective from start has never really been the kind where I aim for an MNC and climb the corporate ladder, the money, well I'm not particularly sure about it but yea, the fact that people earn way more via other means, that kinda attracts me. Sure, go ahead and call me greedy about it, I'd rather be rich and melancholic for that's who I inherently am (melancholic).
I'm in general a boring guy, nothing deep as such (well there's a lot within but I tend to suppress that side of mine for no particular reason).
Anyways, getting to the main point, I'm disappointed, a lot, and it's annoying the f*** outta me. I've been such a let down to my mom dad despite them splurging insane amount of money on me, I'm not the spoilt brat kinda kid, I partied only once that was during the Goa Trip with my friends and even then I don't leave my hostel that easily, I just give some or the other reason and don't go out with my friends on weekends, I've failed in relations too in that sense.
You can not just win every time, there's a lot of setbacks, if it really was easy to win in life, then even Elon Musk wouldn't have so many failures in a lot of aspects all the way from relationships to even the things that happened in 2008.
Not gravitating away from the topic, I'm just journaling about my despair, this kind of acts like the corner of my mind that somehow is connected to the keyboard or the diary.
I tried to win in a lot of things, failed pretty much everything. Never been good at sports, never good at games, never been a prodigy at things like chess, art — and definitely NOT an avid reader, I absolutely hate the fact that I read a few pages of books maybe 4-5 and then I fall asleep. Academic journals are different, they require deep involvement, or nothing. There's no grey area of just reading the paper here or reading it like a story coz that defeats the whole point.
Neither am I a 6ft curly hair top notch physique guy, nor am I any good at football or cricket. I mean I do play football quite sometimes and yea, I'm okay in that, nothing impressive. Quite opposite, I'm pretty short haha. My diet and sleep schedule's doomed too.
But somehow, I want to earn big man, I want to build stuff independently, stuff that solves real issues and then sell it all at some good amount, good enough to travel around, good enough for me to do things without any end goal, maybe work on open ended problems, maybe do a PhD in a very random niche like Neoclassical Social Theory (some might get the reference as to who did this degree), maybe Maths, especially Maths.
One thing about me is that I'm particularly drawn to things that are pretty much opposite to who I am in general. I'm intrigued by ways top students think, I'm intrigued by players in my college who're really good in football, I'm a slow runner, I can't run fast so I'm intrigued by characters like the Flash too, even though I don't really follow DC or Marvel as much as most people do. And as I mentioned, especially a PhD in Math, coz Math intrigues me the most.
I'm not any math specialist, heck the most math I've done is JEE math followed by the math they teach us in college.
At the end, I just want to do something man, I'll try. What else can be done anyways. Maybe I take things too seriously but fr man, I need to earn big and fast, time's running out and money is a major requirement for me to pursue a lot of things I longed for.
This summer I barely made like 20$, I'll try to make a mark by next summer, until then the process just goes on.
Listening to this on loop while writing coz I see a part of myself in anime characters, maybe everyone does.
Damn it's already 3:20 AM, back to work.
Signing off,
Ashu a.k.a skill issue